i had a mate through and before the first lockdown who had always been so upbeat and happy around me who i really appreciated spending time with, and nothing had ever come to my mind about any of his problems or anything of that sort, i spent loads of time with him and had 2 bands with the both of us in, as we approached lockdown 1 i saw his mood change and he shut off from everything, my immediate instinct was to ask if he was okay but he deleted all of his social media, i tried texting him but no reply, i wish i had done more to show him i was there because i found myself in a discord call with him and i just didn't express to him that i was there to talk to, i wish i could've done more to help, he lost his original bouncy self and he's not who he was before. i wish i could turn back time and tell him I'm there, because i want that old bouncy happy mate back.

If I didn't go to sleep that night would you still be with me? If I didn't go to sleep that night would I still hear your laugh? If I didn't got to sleep that night would I still see your name come up on my phone? If I didn't go to sleep that night would you have spoken to me told me what was wrong? Is it my fault if is it when will I stop feeling guilty....

If and When... Back in school, during my A Levels, we had a class of 4. We were different on many levels, but thats what connected us and we became really close friends, and still are to this day 7 years later. We often had heart to heart conversations talking between us about our anxieties and hard things that we were going through and our relationships were really strong because of this. One of us were going through a much harder time than the others, and we stuck by him. We gave him reassurance and guidance. We told him he was good enough in this world and that life is one giant puzzle, and we do all fit in somewhere. If and when things get tough, If and when things get rough, No matter what you go through, Just know that you ARE enough!

I always think to myself when I reflect that maybe if I chose to take someone's side in an argument or if I chose a different path to take then maybe my experience with the people I am surrounded by now would be different. I always fear that I've made a mistake in the past but then I look on where I am now and how happy I am compared to a year ago or so. I don't regret any decisions I've made, the only thing I will regret is choosing to put other people's happiness before mine even thought I am happy where I am. I have always shown people I am there for them and I care for them and even if I don't always get that in return I am happy about it because I know I've done everything I can to spread positivity and hope with other people and that's all I want to do.